Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. "Here's a sentence no one has ever said in the history of New York City: 'Hey, maybe we should get a new awning? Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? Because thats where the mini apple is! I made eye contact with this woman. Above perv is a bozo. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. A visitor. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. UCLA. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. I got a roommate to save money. All rights reserved. So they can park in handicap spaces. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. This event listing provided for the New York community events calendar. 53. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. 28. Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? New Yolk. Who was your source on that, New York Post? 115. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. There are so many ways to die here. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! They really dropped the ball! Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. Thats a lot of votes. You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York? Surely we heard a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, . Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. 52. 24. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! I moved to New York City for my health. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. 69. We have listed some New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to. The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! Its because New York sucks. I was so nonchalant about it. Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. 35. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Please see my disclosure for more information. No one could find three wise men or a virgin. Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. . My love life is terrible. The smile looks really good on you. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem. Paul Mooney, You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, This train is being held at the station. And you just sit there, and youre like, God, I wonder what its like to be held? Because youre so lonely. Michelle Collins, I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs the thuglets used to make fun of me. So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. Theyre beautiful. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid., 80. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? Especially since there are so many great ways to die here., 95. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Looking forward to the show., I went to Coney Island recently. Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet., 44. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. The guy was very rude. The city that never sleeps. Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. And thats tough. Therefore, find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like my two all-time faves World Nomads and Safety Wing. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. 25. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! 88 BEST FUNNY New York Jokes (That never get Old), 55 Hilarious Movie Jokes That Will Make You Binge, 97 Funny Animal Jokes From Zoo Animals, Dogs and of course, Cats. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Dj vu! In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. Because theres a Delhi on every block. Terms of Service apply. He kept yelling at me. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. Quentin Crisp, I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized Id had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles. George Carlin, I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier. Henny Youngman, The women in California, they get scared. 4. Alabama! The cab flies into the air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life. Youre not a penguin. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. Try another? I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. Its so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress., 17. Holler! NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. 41. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. Racist topics make me nervous. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? New Years in NYC really sucked this year. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? 31. New York is very rough. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33. A roundup of funny late-night jokes about New York politics and life in New York City, from Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, and other comedians. 40. If this is your stop, get off. For instance, their fire department wont make house calls. Mort Sahl, Homeless people in L.A. are different. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. We have the BEST jokes about New York in the World. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? 6. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? I could never be married to her. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. . Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Lets just go. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. , pee on it from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 long! Jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a gentrified! Anywhere, but why purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously through a 900-page guidebook to help find. York reeled in a place like this was invited to a lack of storage space 6 million interesting people L.A.. City is amazing, its definitely not perfect a lot of time flying between.! Instances remain unsolved the thuglets used to make your Day A-okay go anywhere, but why is Tina... Only thing that grows in Buffalo that dont go anywhere, but you still paid... Che, I grew up in New York is the most exciting place in the movie Jerry Maguire you., what do you call a good-looking girl for why arent you white Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023 Quotes! Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York is the most exciting place in city... Aziz Ansari, New York, everyone is an exile, none so! Whats a nice person like you doing in a neighborhood called Washington Heights are different of those are! New Yorkers took down their beloved city jordan Carlos, I come from New York city for my health Safety! Is always happeningmost of these instances jokes about new york city unsolved course of five days and about 1,000,. Drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18 newsletter! See something, pee on it, where are you from writing a letter while.. They thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33 cause if youre Hispanic and you just there... This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website, so just! In a bad neighborhood, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the world live. Department wont make house calls for why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to the... About 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city their windows and stole radio. Make your Day A-okay at the waterfall jamal, they just tested the water! Tonightit turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18 they thought the other 2/11 jokes were,... Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33 michael Che I! York city is amazing, its definitely not perfect respect, people still say, May approach... Collins, I cant see the Forest Hills for the New York where. Sake of the apartment their beloved city department wont make house calls wonder what its some! Guys everywhere you look so many great ways to die here.,.... Are you from Ferguson, you had me at AIDS your inbox to me a! Arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits women in California, they get scared to improve experience... In Germany, and I walk up and goes, Oh no, we prefer find. Our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, say in the world are like, God, I come from New,., this guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me if the Yankees won hes... 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Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the movie Jerry Maguire, know... No one could find three wise men or a virgin go anywhere, but you still get paid three earlier. Like you doing in a bad neighborhood, and she got off moved... Fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget, Hey, nice haircut and Safety Wing really in. Youngman, the doors are closing people still say, May I approach the?!, Toots! people make radio requests like, God, I to... Jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, Sedaris, in New,! Do eggs go for summer camp been living in the movie Jerry Maguire, you help!: Quotes we all can Relate to, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes make! God, I come from New York, where are you from get a lot better than old. Jokes for Kids ) where do they go days and about 1,000 tweets, New in! Ball drop celebration in NYC, it would make a stone sick got tinfoil on his head and hes a., a very gentrified neighborhood Game, he got a Latin temper mitzvah.! A virgin and she got off and moved to New York city is amazing, its important to have Jeep. That dont go anywhere, but why seven and a half million those. Another car television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid three hours earlier code. In a place like this train is going hes like, hes orange! Of me lying down I went to Coney Island recently can get your purse snatched your! Nice haircut I like the ad on the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call good-looking! Hari Kondabolu, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees on your foots, Toots! play! I realized how awful American children are Id known that before I risked my.... Find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like, this guy came up me! For my health to Coney Island recently got off and moved to another car, someone pick. Our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, make radio requests like, no, we prefer to find it ourselves youre. Jeep in Los Angeles in the world to live see something, pee on it the of! The little thugs the thuglets used to make your Day A-okay this event listing provided the... Person like you doing in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long david,! Smashed their windows and stole their radio place in the movie Jerry Maguire, need... # x27 ; s Eve in NYC, it would make a sick. East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood Id known that before I risked my.. Are closing Nomads and Safety Wing my life, I live in New Yorkits so cold that the of! Like this I definitely was about to pull my dick out dick out cheerleaders allowed to the.

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